After the Ball
by banduraqueen
Summary: Previously titled What If. Revised. New chapters. What if Buffy and Giles shared a dance at the prom? This story follows the development of their relationship into early season 4, when it changes forever... See chapter 1 for author's note and summary.
1. First Steps

_April 2, 2007_

**Author's Note:** I am a Buffy/Giles shipper who is _extremely_ picky about characterization. The smallest things can strike me as out-of-character, and it ruins a story for me because then it's no longer about the characters of _BtVS _that I love, but some pale imitations of them. And when I said that I'm extremely picky about characterization, I meant **_EXTREMELY_** picky. This is a problem for me as a Buffy/Giles shipper for a number of reasons, the most significant ones being that Buffy has stated a few times in canon how _not_ attracted to Giles she is, and also that, while I believe that Giles may very possibly be subconsciously attracted to Buffy in canon, I don't believe it likely that he would acknowledge those feelings consciously, and if he did, there is almost no possibility that he would act on them because he would have severe moral qualms about doing so.

So, I started writing this story more than a year ago as something of an exercise in characterization: to see if I could get Buffy and Giles together while keeping them satisfactorily in-character. That's all this is about. Getting Buffy and Giles in bed together while keeping them in-character. It's like a PWP with character development. 15 chapters of character development.

I finished writing this story about eight months ago, but I wasn't happy with it. I still did not feel like there was enough believable motivation for Buffy and Giles to get together. Also, there were a lot of little stylistic problems that bugged me. So I decided to revise it. Each chapter has been revised, some only in terms of grammar and punctuation, some quite heavily in terms of content. I also added a few whole new chapters and existing chapters have been slightly reorganized.

Oh, also, I retitled it because "What If" is really lame and unoriginal. "After the Ball" refers to a song.

Anyways, for anyone who may have read this already and is looking at it again, here's what's new:  
Chapter 4 has significant additions, and chapters 9, 10, 11, 13 and 14 are new.

* * *

**After the Ball** (previously titled "What If")  
**Rating:** PG 13  
**Genre:** Fluff, Comedy, Angst, Romance  
**Ship:** Buffy/Giles  
**Characters:** Buffy, Giles, Willow in a supporting role, Angel, Wesley, Joyce, Olivia, Xander and Anya in minor roles.  
**Summary:** "The Prom" was a seminal episode for many Buffy/Giles shippers for the moment when it appeared that Giles was about to ask Buffy to dance. What if Angel hadn't come in just at that moment, ruining everything? ;) This story follows the development of Buffy and Giles' relationship from the end of "The Prom" to about early Season 4.  
**Disclaimer:** Doing this results in no profit, only in the pain of lost time. Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, et al.  
**Feedback:** is muchly appreciated.

* * *

The senior prom of 1999 turned out to be as normal an evening as anyone who knew what most evenings were like in Sunnydale could have hoped for. 

The scariest thing that happened all night was when the sound system started blasting "My Heart Will Go On." But the DJ assured the groaning and booing students that it was just the result of mislabeling, not some more malicious evil.

In one very important way, however, it wasn't a normal evening at all. Buffy finally got her perfect high school moment. There was a speech and a trophy and a spotlight and classmates cheering and everything.

Yet a few minutes later, Buffy was looking listless and despondent again. Giles knew why, of course, and he knew his company would be a poor substitute for her boyfriend's, but he went over to talk to her anyways. She shouldn't have to stand alone by the punch bowl, watching everyone else have fun.

Giles told her she did good work that night and she turned to him with a bright, mega-watt smile. "And I got a little toy surprise," she said cheerily, twirling the sparkly umbrella over her shoulder. Her cheer wasn't genuine, Giles could tell, but her pride and satisfaction was.

"I had no idea that children en masse could be gracious," Giles replied, smiling. The entire display had made him feel rather sentimental. He could feel his inner cynic succumbing to his inner romantic. That wasn't necessarily a good thing. _Children_, he had to repeat to himself, _like Buffy. She's just a child_. Yet Buffy wasn't like her peers. She was apart from them. When Giles had watched her accept her accolade she hadn't seemed like a child at all. She was mature, graceful, and absolutely beautiful.

"Every now and then, people surprise you."

Buffy's melancholy shone through her half-felt smile and gave her a poignant sort of charm. The distant look that shadowed her eyes pulled at Giles' heart; he was happy and sad for her, and proud of her all at once, and also admiring and frightened of her, although those feelings were less distinct, lost in the muddle of emotions he was experiencing.

"Would you care to dance?" he asked, rather suddenly.

Buffy blinked. She was surprised, but not unpleasantly so. "Sure." She laid her umbrella down on a nearby chair and took Giles's arm.

He led her the few steps to the dance floor, and then hesitated. Looking around at the dancing couples he noticed they all seemed to be holding each other very closely. Most were not so much dancing as simply swaying to the music and nuzzling. Beginning to doubt the goodness of this idea, he turned to Buffy, straightened his posture and, rather awkwardly, placed his hand delicately on her hip and held her right hand aloft in a very formal manner.

Buffy looked up at him incredulously and, despite her best efforts not to, broke into a grin.

Realizing how ridiculous he must look, Giles smiled too and dropped his arms to his sides in defeat.

"Here." Buffy took his hands and placed one around her waist.

As she did, Giles explained with a bit of a self-deprecating laugh, "I don't want to raise any eyebrows among the faculty."

Buffy held his left hand very naturally in her right. "No worries. We're strictly obeying the six-inch rule," she assured him.

Giles began to lead her in a slow dance. Buffy followed him awkwardly. She trod on his toes and blushed.

"Sorry. Guess I'm not used to dancing. With actual dance-steps."

"S'alright," Giles smiled, "I've gathered it's not something they teach youth in gym class anymore." He glanced around at the swaying couples again.

"I'm getting used to it though." It seemed as if she was too, until she stumbled slightly into Giles. He held her up.

"'Course, we could just stop, and save me the embarrassment," she said.

"Or perhaps we could just stop trying to waltz," he suggested.

"Oh, we were waltzing?"

"Not really," Giles laughed.

Buffy smiled back up at him. He was still holding her close from her stumble, but neither of them did anything to change that. They gazed at each other, and for the first time that evening Buffy looked content. If it weren't for Giles's greying hair, no one watching them from afar would have been able to distinguish them from any of the other dancing couples.

Then Giles noticed something out of the corner of his eye. He looked up and a shadow seemed to pass briefly over his face. His tone betrayed no emotion, however, when he spoke, "'Course, you may want to dance with someone else."

Buffy looked bemused. "Who else would I want to dance with, silly?"

Giles merely nodded towards the back of the gym.

Letting go of Giles, Buffy turned around and saw Angel.


	2. Angel

Buffy seemed drawn to Angel as if by magnetic force. Giles watched her go to him, to be embraced by him, to be held in the vampire's arms as they swayed gently to the music. He suddenly felt very alone, and very old, and he returned to the sidelines where the chaperones belonged.

But Giles was happy for Buffy. This was a special night; it was good for the man she loved to be here with her, and she deserved to dance with someone handsome and young.

Only Angel wasn't young, Giles corrected himself, nor was he a man. He was two-hundred and twenty-four years older than Buffy and was a creature of evil. Giles had tried, but he could never fully forgive Angel for what he did when he lost his soul, and it hurt to see Buffy with him, to see her loving that thing. Giles would be lying if he said he would be sorry to see the last of Angel.

Yet at the same time he felt so very sorry for Buffy, that she was losing the being she loved more than anything else in the world, whether rightly or not.

Giles shook his head, trying to rid his mind of his depressing, circular train of thought. His eyes fell on Buffy's golden umbrella on the chair next to him, and he smiled. It had, at least, been a very nice dance.

xxx

Angel had come back, and only for this night – but Buffy didn't want to think about that. She held him tight, pressing her face to his shoulder, as if she would never let go. She felt no heat coming off of him; he was, of course, completely room temperature. It made Buffy smile – one of those things that was so strange, yet so familiar about Angel, about being close to him, one of those things she would never experience again after he left.

Against her will, tears began to well up in Buffy's eyes. She didn't want to cry, but she couldn't help it. She broke away from Angel and hurried out of the gym before her tears overflowed.

Angel, of course, followed her. "Buffy? What's wrong?"

Buffy tried to stifle herself, but the harsh words came out anyways, "You are."

Angel's expression barely changed, but Buffy could tell he was deeply hurt. _Good,_ she thought, _see how you like it. _"I was forgetting you, Angel. I was starting to have fun. A really nice guy even asked me to dance."

A jealous look passed over Angel's face before he realized Buffy was just referring to Giles. Then his look changed to one of hurt and confusion. It was a look that never failed to break Buffy's heart. It wasn't fair how he could look like that.

"I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "It was a nice thought, for you to come tonight, but you can't come back. You're already gone, and being near you just reminds me of how much I miss you."

Angel still looked confused, but Buffy couldn't make her feelings any clearer.

"I guess I should go then," he offered tentatively.

"Yeah," Buffy replied, "but thanks for coming."

"Bye."

"See you around."

Angel glanced back at Buffy one last time before leaving, his head hanging dejectedly between his shoulders.

Watching him go, Buffy leaned against the wall and had started to cry silently when she heard a voice behind her.

"Buffy?" It was Giles, looking concerned and sympathetic. "Are you all right? I, uh, saw you leave, and y-you forgot, uh, this." He held out her glittering gold umbrella.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Buffy replied, sniffing back her tears. "Thanks." She took her umbrella from him. "Do you think you could take me home?"

"Of course."


	3. Willow

Buffy's feelings for Angel were complicated to say the least. She had wanted more than anything to dance with him at the prom, but when her wish came true, she couldn't wait for him to get out of her sight. She wanted to get on with her life, and at the same time to hang on tightly to what little time with Angel she had left. She ended up deciding that thoughts about Angel were just confusing and futile, and it was better to avoid them all together.

She put her new policy of repression into practice the very next day. Hanging in her room with Willow, Buffy listened happily to her best friend gush about the prom.

After she had thoroughly exhausted the subject of the sweetness of Oz, however, Willow turned the subject to Buffy. "Did you have a good time?" she asked her friend with a cautious smile – she knew how emotionally volatile Buffy was these days. "Did you leave with Angel?"

Buffy's face fell a little. "No. He just stayed for that one dance, actually."

"Oh, why?"

"I asked him to go. Being around him just makes me think about losing him; which leads to tears, and then to runny mascara, and that's just not a good look with formal wear."

Willow's eyes were so full of sympathy it was hard to believe she had been cheerily chattering about being in love only moments ago.

Buffy tried to pick herself up again. "But the night wasn't a total downer. I got my sparkly surprise…" Buffy smiled, remembering the entire gym applauding her. "and Giles bought me ice cream when he walked me home."

That brought a smile back to Willow's face. "Aw, that's kinda romantic –"

"_Romantic_?" Buffy looked at her friend as if she had just grown a second nose.

Willow's eyes widened as she realized what she had just let slip. She frantically tried to cover her tracks, "I mean, nice. Just nice. Not romantic nice, because that would be - ew - and lead to badness and I would never think of Giles that way!"

But it was too late.

"You think Giles is romantic?"

"No!" Willow protested too much.

Buffy wasn't buying it.

"Not always…"

Buffy raised her eyebrows. Willow was so busted. She hung her red head in defeat.

"I crush on Giles," she admitted.

"Ew!"

"Well, what ew?" Willow became defensive, "You're hot for the undead!" Immediately, she regretted her outburst, "Or... were. Oh jeez, I'm sorry Buffy."

Remembering her new policy, Buffy smiled bravely, "S'okay. I'm developing a protective shell when it comes to Angel. Comments about him bounce right off me. It's like a hard, callous, rubber anti-Angel suit. It's still in development, of course, but it's getting there."

Willow was looking at Buffy sympathetically again and the Slayer felt her callous shell cracking. She had to get the conversation away from Angel.

"So... for how long have you been nursing a hidden passion for Giles?" Buffy shuddered involuntarily, "'Passion' and 'Giles' in the same sentence is just wrong!"

Willow smiled embarrassedly, "It's not a passion! It's just a crush. And… since he started as librarian."

"Oh my God! And you never told me?" Buffy playfully slapped her best friend's arm.

"Cuz you wouldn't get it. Which you don't. Hence the justification of my secrecy." Willow said in a superior tone.

"So explain," Buffy was finding herself oddly intrigued by Willow's crush.

"Well," Willow hesitated, "it was the books... See, I knew you'd laugh!"

Buffy's face had indeed broken into a wide smile and an incredulous look, but she quickly stifled any giggles. "No, no I'm not. No laughter. Totally neutral, non-judgmental face." but her lips were creeping into a sly grin, "Does Oz know books turn you on?"

"Shut up!" Willow laughed, "And it's not just the books. He knows so much, he's smart, he has an amazing vocabulary..."

"Okay, I can see the Willow pattern of attraction at work here now," Buffy said rationally. "I'm starting to accept."

"And his accent!" Willow took a moment to swoon over Giles's accent. "And he can read Latin with the accent. And he's tall and brave..."

Buffy smiled indulgently. "Now I'm starting to see your point," her eyes widened as she realized just how true that was and she slapped Willow's shoulder again, "Omigod! Stop it right now!"

Willow, however, continued, "And his stammer is so cute. And the way he plays with his glasses..."

"You're starting to scare me now, Will. This is reaching Xander-level obsessiveness." Buffy paused her reprimand as she realized something, "Is there a man you've met that you haven't fallen for?"

"Angel. He's nice-looking and all, but he's, like, two-hundred years old! I mean, totally ew!" Willow dead-panned.

Buffy refused to take the bait. "You're right. He is ew. See? Rubbery."

"Oh! And his eyes!" Willow started up again, enthusiastically.

"Enough! enough! I accept your Giles-crush already."

Willow finally allowed herself to be abated. "So continue with the telling of your romantic evening," she urged eagerly.

"Willow! I will not have your twisted little fantasies colour my time with Giles."Buffy's teasing tone turned serious,"It was nice and he was sweet, but in _no way _romantic."

And to Willow's disappointment, Buffy left it at that.


	4. Shadow of a Smile

Giles felt like he should have been happy, or at least pleased. They had stopped the Ascension and Sunnydale was safe. Yet he went to bed that night distinctly troubled.

Although the past few days offered a myriad of excitement and traumatic experiences to think on, Giles' thoughts kept returning to one specific event: when Buffy had quit the Council. Despite his tweed-wearing ways Giles still had quite a rebellious streak and had been proud of Buffy for standing up to Wesley. But there was something that bothered him about it too. After all, if she didn't need a Watcher anymore then she didn't need him. Not that she had told him as much, but with the school and the library gone, with Buffy growing up and going to college, Giles was feeling rather cast adrift.

And that wasn't all that was bothering Giles. "I'm talking about watching my lover die," Buffy had said. The pronouncement kept flitting through Giles' consciousness like a dark shadow.

If Giles was being honest with himself he would have admitted that he had been happy when Buffy told him Angel was leaving, and when she had told the vampire to leave after barely one dance at the prom. It was as if a dark and forbidding presence had been removed from his life, and although Buffy was understandably teary-eyed when he escorted her home from the dance, Giles couldn't help being a little cheerful. His optimism rubbed off on Buffy and they had ended the night with laughter and an inane discussion about ice cream flavours that Giles enjoyed perhaps too much.

With the revelation that Buffy still thought of Angel as her lover, however, the darkness returned. It fell between Giles and his slayer and stretched between them like a chasm.

If Giles was being honest with himself he would have realized that this was the problem. But Giles wasn't being honest with himself. These thoughts gnawed away at the back of his mind but never worked their way into his conscious. Instead, he convinced himself that Buffy had outgrown him, that she didn't need him, and that was what had him down.

There were other half-realized thoughts and feelings floating around in Giles' head too. He tried not to think about it, but lately things were different between him and Buffy. Or perhaps he was just the one who was different when he was around her. It was difficult to say.

A few days after the prom, for example, while Giles was still happy (despite the looming threat of the Ascension) he and Wesley had been passing the time practicing fencing in the library when Buffy and Willow came in and Giles was suddenly possessed by an inexplicable urge to show-off. Perhaps it also had something to do with Wesley's comment that Giles was out-of-practice and his technique out-of-date, but at any rate in less than half a minute the young watcher was foil-less and Giles was trying not to look too smug in front of the girls. 

"Someone sure is swashbuckly today," Willow commented with a smile.

Buffy turned to her friend with a sly look. "We can add that to his list of attributes," she said.

Willow shot Buffy a warning look, which the blonde seemed to deliberately and cheerfully ignore.

"What list?" Giles asked, completely confused by their behaviour.

It was Willow who replied, rambling nervously. "Oh, um, Buffy and I were just talking about… how we'd describe people… to the police, if… if anything ever happened… in the disappearing sense, 'cause y'know… it could happen."

In the pitch of her voice and her twitchy fidgeting Giles recognized the signs that Willow wasn't entirely telling the truth, and decided he was probably better off not knowing what the truth was.Wesley, however, seemed to take her seriously. "It's unlikely that we'd ever involve the police in any problem. Rather a pointless endeavour."

Buffy expanded on her friend's explanation as if Wesley hadn't spoken at all, purely for the sake of irking him. "For example, Wesley: dark hair, effete, useless. Giles: tall, green eyes, Errol Flynnish."

Giles had never really liked the old Robin Hood films himself, but it was clear from Buffy tone that she meant the comparison as a compliment.

"Hardly," Giles muttered modestly, not meeting Buffy's eyes.

"I'm surprised you know who Errol Flynn is," Wesley remarked to Buffy, trying not to show that he was stung by her opinion of him.

"When it comes to popular culture, Buffy's knowledge is boundless." Giles' tone was one part exasperation with, two parts fondness for his slayer's pop culture preoccupation.

"It's a pity the same thing can't be said about her knowledge of demonology. Or something else that's actually useful," Wesley replied waspishly, with a pointed look at Giles, making it clear that he was criticizing the former watcher's method of teaching Buffy as much as Buffy herself.

Before Giles could reply with anything more than a scowl, Buffy waved away Wesley's judgment. "Demonology's passé, yesterday's news," she said dismissively. "I find today's news to be much more useful." She handed the folded-up newspaper she had been holding to Giles.

As he read the headline about Professor Wirth's murder, Buffy explained the link between the stabbing, Faith and the Ascension.

"Let me see that," Wesley said, taking the paper from Giles.

"The Mayor's trying to hide. I say we go seek," Buffy concluded.

"There's a good chance the murder is completely unrelated to the Mayor or Faith," Wesley said. "But you may pursue this line of investigation for now."

"Thanks. Because I wouldn't have been able to do this without you permission," Buffy spat back.

Although Giles enjoyed watching Buffy cut Wesley down to size, he thought it would be best to try to diffuse the tension between them. At least a little. "Yes, well, uh, good detective work, Buffy," he interjected before Wesley could say anything.

"Yep, the slayer really came through with the clue-age," Willow added, with a smug glance towards Wesley.

"Guess my watcher taught me how to do something useful after all." Buffy shot Giles a fond smile.

That was when it had happened, the thing that was different between them now. When their eyes met for that brief moment Giles unexpectedly felt like his stomach was twisting itself into a tight knot. Buffy smiling at him suddenly had the effect of stirring up a feeling inside of Giles that was positively frightening.

So really, it was a good thing that she didn't need him anymore.


	5. The Green Light

Giles may have convinced himself that it was for the best that Buffy didn't need him anymore, but he couldn't bring himself to cut his ties with her and go back to England. Buffy was his life, his calling. Being her watcher was what he had devoted nearly thirty years of training to, it was his identity. When he imagined life without Buffy it was bleak and empty. So he stayed in Sunnydale, although he kept his distance from Buffy.

Thus, Giles began his summer feeling lost, confused and aimless. Then, about a week in to vacation, there was a knock on Giles' door. When he answered it, he found his Slayer standing there.

"Buffy!"

"Giles!" she mocked his tone of surprise. "You gonna let me in?"

"Oh, yes. Yes, of course." He had been so taken aback at seeing her that he hadn't moved since opening the door, but now he stepped aside to let her in. Though his apartment was as neat as ever, Giles himself wasn't. He quickly did up the top buttons of his shirt and nervously ran his hand through his uncombed hair. He wished he had taken the trouble to shave that morning. "I-is something wrong?"

"You tell me," Buffy replied, taking in her Watcher's unkempt appearance.

"Hm?" Giles wasn't following her.

"You've been a big missing-in-action since we blew up the school. I figured you were mourning the loss of our dearly departed Scooby Central, but it's been a week, it's time to move on. You've got places to go, slayers to train, and all that. Libraries will come and go, but the forces of darkness never rest."

"Oh, uh, i-indeed. Quite. I-I don't know what's gotten into me," Giles stuttered. It never crossed his mind that Buffy would even think about how he was faring, much less that she'd come to his place _wanting_ to train.

"So, are we on for tonight? Restfield at eight?"

"Alright," Giles nodded.

"Great!" Buffy grinned, "Catch you later!" and she bounded out the door.

Giles was left feeling like he didn't quite comprehend what had just happened. All he knew was that this summer was looking to be not so bad after all.

xxx

Over the summer, without school or a formidable Big Bad to distract her, Buffy's slaying skills improved considerably. Her progress in that area was also due in no small part to the large amounts of time she ended up spending in the cemeteries with Giles. 90 percent of hunting vampires is waiting, and Buffy and Giles spent that time polishing her technique and discussing battle strategies.

Buffy was surprised when she realized how much she had come to enjoy such discussion, but her favourite part of these evenings was still the end. That was when Giles would get her a soft-serve ice cream from the all-night fast-food place and walk her home. Then they would talk about totally non-slaying related stuff. Usually Buffy teased her Watcher about his nostalgia for the '70s or his preference for wearing suits in all weather, and he would make fun of her fashion choices. Sometimes they argued about music. Excited about starting college herself, Buffy also often pestered Giles to tell her about his time at Oxford. He finally gave in, but by beginning with a recounting of Trinity's initiation rituals he managed to both wig Buffy out and sidetrack the conversation into an explanation of the college system and thus avoid any more stories about his youth.

Once they even talked about _The Great Gatsby_, a book Buffy had not only actually read for English class, but had found she rather liked. Giles was surprised that, like himself, Buffy appreciated Fitzgerald's use of symbolism. Then he made the mistake of bringing up the motif of glasses and watching, and inspired Buffy to temporarily nickname him Dr. T.J. Eckleburg.

As the last days of August wound down, however, Buffy found herself less talkative and more reflective. College was imminent; it would be a big change. Her whole life might change. She was growing up.

One night, after they had walked a few blocks in silence, Buffy gave voice to one of her thoughts, "Giles, what's going to happen to us?"

"Us?" Giles repeated faintly, looking vaguely confused.

"Yeah. When I start college. We won't be able to do this anymore."

"Oh. Well, um, I-I think you've made e-enough progress this summer that you can, er, afford to take a-a break from training without it seriously affecting your slaying."

"I guess…"

They stopped walking as they reached Buffy's house. She looked towards the door, but didn't make a move to go inside. She didn't feel like leaving Giles yet.

A moment of silence passed before he spoke again. "And I won't be going anywhere. You can always come and see me, uh, if you have a-a problem with, ah, demons or-or whatnot."

Buffy looked up at him playfully, "What if I just want to mooch ice-cream off you?"

"You're always welcome, whatever the reason; whether ice-cream or the Apocalypse." He smiled back.

It was a nice smile. Buffy liked that she was the cause of it. She drew closer to him. "I was really hoping we could avoid one of those this year."

"Perhaps we will," Giles allowed.

Was he leaning towards her, or was Buffy just imagining it?

"Stranger things have happened," he added quietly.

He was definitely close. Buffy could feel the heat coming off him.

"Yeah…" she agreed.

Stranger things. Like being sorry that she wouldn't have training every day anymore. Like forgetting that she still missed Angel, even for a moment. Like how she had never noticed before how green Giles' eyes were. Like being this close to Giles. And liking it.

No, not liking it. It wasn't likable. It was just… strange.

Buffy quickly took a step back. She was glad it was dark so that Giles couldn't see her face burning up.

"Well, uh, I-I guess I'll see you tomorrow," Buffy smiled nervously. "Same time, same place?"

Giles straightened his posture and cleared his throat. "Er, r-right. Tomorrow then. Uh, g-goodnight," he nodded formally.

"'Night."

And Buffy ran inside.


	6. The Beans

"Okay, Buffy, I've had enough. Spill the beans already."

It was the next day, and Buffy and Willow were whiling away their time at the Espresso Pump.

Buffy looked up from her coffee with an attempted look of innocence on her face. "What beans? I don't have any beans. I'm bean-free."

Willow gave her friend a knowing look. "That's the most you've said since we got here. You speak in monosyllables, you haven't touched your mocha, and you didn't even look at the hottie that just came in two seconds ago. You are bursting with beans, missy, and as your best friend, you are required to share 'em with me."

Buffy sighed. Willow was clearly determined.

"Uh, well, remember when we were talking after prom? And you told me that you crush on Giles?" Buffy hesitated before spitting it out, "I think I'm starting to see your point. Like, in a really kind of way."

Willow raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Really." Buffy nodded grimly.

"When? How? Details!"

Buffy thought about it a moment before answering. Considering how her own insides were being torn up over this, it seemed odd that she found Willow's excitement so comforting, but she did. "Well, a while ago. I don't know when, exactly. It was just as if he started to act different. Or maybe I just noticed him differently. I dunno. But It was like he was kinda charming and I sorta started to enjoy being around him. And looking forward to training, which is weird. I mean, it should be weird - fun training sessions? Should totally wig me out. But it didn't. It felt kinda right." Buffy smiled to herself, "Then I started noticing things, like the stammer and the glasses-thing, and that made me feel funny, but not a bad funny – "

"Like, warm and fuzzy?"

"Yeah, like it was really cute." Willow's enthusiasm, it seemed, was catching. "And-and then…" Buffy's face fell and she buried her head in her arms. "Oh my God!"

Willow patted her friend's back consolingly. "Don't, don't, it's okay Buffy. It's fine."

Buffy groaned, "No, it's not. "She raised her head but still couldn't bring herself to look at her friend. "It's Giles! Giles! And-and last night... I think I wanted to kiss him."

"Wow."

"I am so messed up."

"No you aren't. I'm the original messed up one, remember?"

"But it's different for you. Giles and I… we have this really close relationship," Buffy explained. "Like, physically close, with the training and demon fighting. This makes it so awkward. And what if I, like, lose control one night, you know, 'in the heat of battle' type thing?"

Willow shook her head and spoke reassuringly, "I don't think so. You're pretty in-control, Buffy."

"Still, this could totally mess us up."

"Maybe..." Willow hesitated a moment before suggesting tentatively, "or maybe it could start something new."

Buffy stared at her friend in disbelief.

"Are you kidding? Giles would never go for that!" she said emphatically.

"Are you sure? He cares a lot about you Buffy –"

"But not like that!"

"How do you know?"

"He's my Watcher!"

"And you're his Slayer... Look. It's not like he's your uncle or relative or something, or that he knew you since you were diaper-bound. He's not your teacher anymore. And, actually, technically, he's not even your Watcher, coming to think of it. Maybe he just sees you as a grown-up." Willow sounded very reasonable.

"Well, I am a grown-up," Buffy concurred.

"Exactly. A grown-up whom he asked to dance, and bought ice-cream for and walked home after he found out she had broken up with her steady." Willow watched Buffy carefully as she considered all that she had said.

"You're right." Buffy smiled shyly. "You know, last night, I think he wanted to kiss me too."

"Aw, that sounds romantic!"

"Yeah, it kinda was!" Buffy's eyes lit up. "I think I'm gonna try to make him want to kiss me again. And actually kiss me."

Willow was impressed. "Really?"

"Yeah." Buffy was getting excited. "I-I'll ask him to a movie or something and make myself real pretty and bat my eyelashes and be coy and the whole deal."

Willow's eyes grew wide. "You're going to seduce him?"

"No! No!" Buffy was appalled at the suggestion. "See, I don't want to make a move, in case it messes us up, so I'm gonna try to make him make a move. To see if he feels like this about me." Buffy explained, "But just kissing. No seduction. Ew."


	7. Buffy's Mom

While Buffy and Willow talked wardrobe choices at the Espresso Pump, Giles was sittting alone in his apartment, a glass of scotch close at hand, wishing he could drown the revelation that had come to him the night before, just let it sink down to the depth of his subconscious. It kept getting tossed back up to the surface of his mind, however, that damning realization,

_I'm attracted to Buffy._

And as if that wasn't bad enough, he had almost kissed her.

He didn't know what it was that had possessed him to try it. It was as if his reason, common sense, restraint, ethics and morals had all decided to take their leave of him at once simply because the warm summer air had been sweet and inviting and the full moon was bright, calling upon the whole world to do wild things. Then there had been that moment when it seemed as though something had possessed Buffy as well, quite literally, and her eyes sparked at him in a way he had never seen before, and it was as if something behind them was calling him closer, inviting him to discover what it was, inside her...

Giles knocked back his drink and reminded himself how she had then run inside, run from him, no doubt horrified.

_But she hadn't run right away,_ a different corner of his brain reminded him. _She had made sure we were still on for tonight first. That must mean… something…__  
_  
_No._ Giles shook his head, clearing it of such ridiculous thoughts. No, if she noticed, then she was horrified, and just too polite to show it. Either that, or she was in denial herself, trying to explain away her Watcher's behaviour. _God damn. How could I have let this happen? _

Of course, Giles had always found Buffy attractive, because she was. He had never tried to pretend she wasn't, but she was still such a child when they had first met there was hardly any danger of him becoming attracted _to_ her. But then, children grow up. Buffy had matured, become more level-headed, started carrying herself less like a girl, and more like a woman, though she still possessed that youthful vitality of spirit that had always brought some brightness into his days–

_Damn. What am I doing?_ He had to stop thinking of her fondly. It did him no good. The factors that had previously kept Buffy strictly off-limits – her age, her single-minded love for Angel, that Giles was her teacher and her Watcher – were gone and he had to rely on his own self-control now to keep from doing something stupid. Any advances on his part would be stupid. Girls become women, but old men just get older.

The phone rang, jolting him out of his self-pitying reverie. He picked it up.

"Hi Giles!" It was Buffy. She sounded unaccountably cheerful.

"Oh. H-hello," he replied uncertainly.

"I was just thinking about tonight..." She was going to call it off, he knew it. "We should do something fun."

"Pardon me?"

"Not that patrolling isn't fun." Her tone lacked the expected note of sarcasm. "But summer is almost over, and I'd like to do something that isn't all about vampires or demons, but just about us."

"Us?" There was that word again. _Doesn't mean anything_, Giles told himself. _Just a perfectly common first-person plural pronoun_.

"Yeah. Us." Buffy's breathy tone made it sound like something more.

Giles could see her smiling shyly as she said it, her eyes lighting up the way they had last night… He shook his head, trying to rid it of the image. 

"You know, some Buffy-Giles quality time," she continued casually. "Maybe spent in the dark… not talking…"

Giles' mind was coming up with images he dearly wished it wouldn't.

"…with popcorn."

"Oh!" Giles' thoughts returned to reality. "You want to go to the movies?"

"Actually, I do. Glad you asked," Buffy teased. "Pick me up at six?"

"Um, alright." Buffy had sprung the question on him so quickly he didn't have time to think about it.

"Great! It's a date!" Buffy said happily, and hung up.

Giles stood by the phone, rather in shock. He had no idea what had just happened. Perhaps Buffy hadn't actually noticed how close he had come to kissing her last night. Perhaps she had and was trying to show she was willing to ignore it and move on. But why the movie? The thought that this really was a date entered Giles' mind very briefly before he dismissed it as impossible. At any rate, it was clear that she wasn't angry or upset at him, and Giles was happy for that. Yet not knowing exactly what Buffy was playing at also left him worried, and a little fearful. But there was nothing he could do, he'd just have to go along with it.

xxx

Buffy looked over the makeup laid out on her vanity table and picked out her "Bubblegum-Chic" lip-gloss. It went perfectly with her halter-top, which was baby-pink and draped elegantly at the neckline. It was all part of her overall, precisely engineered look: pretty yet casual sophistication.

When Buffy looked back up at the mirror, she saw the reflection of her mother standing in her bedroom doorway.

"You look nice," she said.

"Thanks, mom." She had better look nice. It took hours of conferring with Willow to come up with this ensemble.

Buffy applied her gloss carefully. Her mother remained standing in the doorway, watching her. It was a bit unsettling. Just a bit.  
Finally, she spoke, "You know, when I was in high school, I had this huge crush on my geography teacher."

Buffy felt a pang of surprise or guilt or fear. Had her mom actually started noticing what was going on around her? She had ignored vampires for years, why couldn't she ignore this? Buffy felt indignant at the injustice of it. But she tried to hide her feelings and casually replied, "Uh huh. And you're telling me this, why?"

"'Cause I never told anyone before. At the time I didn't even tell my best friend. I thought she'd think I was weird or icky or something for liking an old man."

"He was old?" Buffy found she was a little bit interested. Maybe this Electra thing was genetic.

"Well, forty-five. Old for us."

"Doesn't seem so old and icky from this side of adulthood, huh?" Buffy smiled as she continued to apply her make-up. It was a big age gap, obviously, but it would get less big with time. She was growing up now.

Her mom didn't smile back. "Well, he'd be seventy-two now, so actually, even more old and icky."

Buffy frowned a bit but didn't reply.

There was a knock at the door.

"Oh! That's Giles! Can you tell him I'll be down in a minute?" Buffy asked, snapping shut her eye shadow and reaching for her mascara.

Her mom nodded and left the room.

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief and hoped that whole exchange could just be chalked up to the regular mom-weirdness. If her mom were on to her that would just add a whole new level of awkward.

_Anyways, by the time I get to mom's age, Giles won't be seventy-two. He'll just be… sixty-seven?_ Buffy put down her mascara and picked up her hairbrush. _Well, it doesn't matter. Not as if I'm going to live that long anyhow._

xxx

Giles knocked on the door of the Summers' house and waited. He felt very odd. He was wearing jeans, having finally decided to capitulate to Buffy's fashion advice. He was also tie-less. He now went most days without a tie, but today the open shirt collar made him feel strangely vulnerable. So, needing to maintain some level of formality, he also wore a blazer. He took off his glasses and thought of stowing them in his pocket until the movie started. Then he realized just what he was thinking and felt very foolish for being so vain. Then the door opened and all thoughts left his head. But it wasn't Buffy who answered the door.

"Oh, ah, hello Joyce."

_No, this isn't in the least bit awkward at all._

"Please, come in," Joyce smiled. Giles noticed the smile didn't extend to her eyes. "Buffy's still getting ready, but she'll be  
down soon."

"Ah." Giles nodded as he stepped inside. _Buffy is taking her time getting ready; surely that's a good sign. Or a bad sign. It is bad sign. Very bad. Or maybe it isn't a sign at all and I'm just being stupid. Actually, that's the most probable explanation of all._ He was feeling very foolish. The silence that was stretching out between him and Joyce certainly didn't help.

"So, um, h-how have you been?" he asked awkwardly.

"Oh, alright," she smiled, but again it didn't reach her eyes, and her easy-going manner seemed forced. "Things have been getting hectic lately of course, what with Buffy leaving for college next week."

"Right. Of course."

"I don't know who's more excited about it: her or me," Joyce continued. "She's going to have so many opportunities open to her. She'll be meeting so many new people. I remember when I met her father in college… I just hope the slaying won't limit her at all." She looked at Giles pointedly.

"Ah, no. No, we have discussed that, and, erm, she's made enough progress that her training schedule can be significantly cut back once her classes start."

"Good. I'm glad to hear that," and for the first time Joyce's smile seemed genuine. "And you'll be able to get back to your life as well."

"That's true," Giles smiled weakly, not disclosing that since he moved to Sunnydale Buffy _was_ his life.

"Not that I'm not grateful for all the time you've devoted to her. It's nice to know that there's someone else looking out for her. And she admires you so much, almost as a father."

Giles smiled at Joyce, but cringed inwardly.

_"A father's love for the child…" __  
_  
_No. Not a father's. A Watcher's. But never a father's._ She had a father already, even if he was never around. She didn't need anyone else to treat her like a child, and indeed, he never had. He didn't tell Joyce that, of course.

"Well, you know, that's what I do. But she is very capable of taking care of herself. She's growing up."

Joyce nodded, understanding everything "growing up" entailed, and her expression hardened. "Yes… but she's not _grown _up. She's still vulnerable in many ways. I still worry about her."

"Uh-uh, o-of course…" he stuttered, taken aback by Joyce's aggressive tone.

He heard a door close and quick footsteps in the upstairs hall. He looked up to see Buffy heading towards the stairs and he gulped. Giles couldn't tell exactly what she had done that was different, but she looked especially attractive today. _Damn. _He was thinking she was attractive. _This is definitely very, very, bad._

"If anyone ever hurts her, I think I'd kill him," Joyce said softly, so only he could hear.

He turned towards Joyce, realizing that he had been staring at her daughter, and that she knew it, and was absolutely appalled and mortified with himself.

"Y-y-yes, right, uh, o-o-of course, I-I-I understand…" he stuttered, trying to communicate to Joyce that he knew this had to stop.  
"Hi Giles! Ready to motor?"

A bit startled by Buffy's sudden appearance at his side, Giles merely nodded, and allowed his Slayer to lead him out the door.

She wished her mom goodbye and waved over her shoulder.

Giles didn't look back.


	8. Make a Move

By the time they reached the theatre Giles was well on his way to convincing himself that this wasn't that bad, that there was nothing inappropriate about this outing at all. Friends attended the cinema together all the time, after all, and he and Buffy had reached the point where they enjoyed each other's company outside of their Watcher/Slayer roles. This was a nothing more than a sign that their relationship was evolving. Evolving towards friendship. Nothing more.

He almost had himself believing it too, until Buffy passed up rows of empty seats to sit down at the very back of the theatre. Then he allowed that this situation wasn't looking very good. He nervously lowered himself into the seat next to her and they sat together a while in uncomfortable silence. At least, it was uncomfortable for him. Her entire demeanor, on the other hand, was infuriatingly calm and confident. _How _**_can_**_ she be in such a situation? _Giles thought. _Unless this isn't the situation I'm thinking it is at all. Unless Buffy is completely innocent and I'm merely reading too much into all the wrong signals. That would explain it. Explain it rather obviously, actually._

Thus reassured about the safety of his position, Giles ventured to talk to her. "So, um, what precisely is this film about?" he asked cordially.

"Well, Julia Roberts gets the chance to really stretch her acting range as a vivacious Hollywood star, and Hugh Grant is the adorably stuttery Englishman who falls for her."

Giles ignored any parallels Buffy may or may not have been drawing between the movie and real-life, and instead fell into his familiar sarcastic banter mode. "In other words, it's a sure Oscar contender."

Buffy smiled teasingly at him. "You don't have to be watching something good to have fun at the movies, Giles."

Her tone made it especially hard for him not to read meaning into that comment, although he would have been perfectly content not to. _Just what the hell is she playing at?_ It certainly didn't help when the lights dimmed and he felt her warm breath on his neck as she leaned towards him...

"And I promise, this will be fun" she whispered before drawing back again.

"With you here, I'm sure it will be" he replied.

_Oh dear._ He had been going for dry and sarcastic, but his tone had come out sounding somewhat suggestive._ How did that happen? _

Somewhat panicked, he glanced at Buffy to gauge her reaction, but she was already giving her full attention to the previews that were playing, with deafening surround-sound, on the screen.

Or at least, she appeared to be. Really, her mind was racing. Currently, it was leading in the What-the-Hell-Did-I-Get-Myself-Into Derby.

_Giles just flirted with me. He was flirting. Being flirtatious. With _**_me_** Suddenly Buffy realized that she _really_ had not thought this scenario through at all. Flirting with Giles had been fun and games as long as he got all flustery and adorable at the slightest hint of innuendo, but Giles flirting back... _that's just wiggy_.

She had expected him to stay cutely clueless, with only a vague idea of what couples did in the back row of the theatre. But of course he knew what they did. _Duh._ _He hasn't been Mr. Buttoned-Up-Book-Guy his entire life. _Memories of the band candy incident, and her mother's thoughts of the band candy incident, came back to her and she cringed painfully. Buffy hadn't really thought about it before, since she really didn't want to, but it made sense that Giles would have had pretty extensive experience with… stuff. Buffy tried very hard not to think about how much.

It wasn't the flirting that flustered him, she realized; it was who was doing the flirting. _After all, "raise your hand if 'ew'?" He must not have believed at first what I was_ _doing. But_ _now he believes it,_ Buffy thought ruefully, _Believes that I want to have back-row-fun._

She caught sight of another couple sucking face a few seats away and it squicked her out. She so did **_not_** want to do that with Giles.

What had she wanted? One romantic kiss in the moonlight? An older man fawning over her? Or maybe just to amuse herself by pressing Giles' buttons and seeing what they did? She didn't know anymore.

What she did know was that she wanted out of this. But she didn't know how. She also knew that she had seriously abused her sex appeal. She had led him on. What if he expected something from her now?

_No._ Buffy told herself. _This is still Giles. Cautious, thoughtful, proper etiquette Giles. Who loves me and respects me. He won't make a move unless I tell him it's okay. It will all be okay. We'll just sit through this godawful movie, and then I am NEVER flirting again. _

She stared at the screen resolutely.

Giles found it impossible to read her expression. That didn't stop him from glancing nervously at her every five seconds, however.

He silently cursed his lapses of reason that had led him here. _What did I ever do to deserve this torture? _Then he realized that he hadn't done anything. It was all Buffy. She had been the one to ask him out. She was the one who had chosen seats in the back row. She was the one doing the flirting. Could it be that Buffy wanted this?

He glanced at her again. Her face was still expressionless.

She had left the ball in his court. What was he going to do with it?

Against his better judgment, Giles found himself nonchalantly inching his arm across the back of her chair. This strategy of putting his arm around her was clichéd, but had the advantage of being subtler and exceedingly less risky than holding her hand, or kissing her outright.

Kissing Buffy. The idea made Giles absolutely terrified. And also a little bit giddy. They had come so close last night, and although they had both pulled back at the last second, she had invited him to the movies the very next day. Proof positive that being near him didn't disgust her. Today she had made a point of dressing attractively for him. She had whispered suggestively in his ear. She certainly wanted this. She was a consenting adult who wanted this, and since when had he been one to refuse Buffy anything she wanted?

His hand having finished its casual advance, his fingers lightly grazed Buffy's bare shoulder. She started. Giles jerked his hand away. She sat bolt upright, her posture as straight as a ramrod. He scratched the back of his head, as if that was all he had raised his arm to do all along. Then he slouched in his chair, keeping his arms crossed tightly across his chest.

He spent the rest of the movie reminding himself it was best this way, trying to convince himself it was the way he wanted it anyhow.


	9. Morning After, Night Before

"Don't even ask." Buffy said bluntly as Willow jogged up to meet her outside the mall the next day.

Willow's expectant smile fell from her face. "What happened?"

"Please, I'm trying to repress." Buffy turned from her and walked through the revolving doors of the mall.

Willow followed her.

"God… what happened?" Willow's face was screwed up in a horrified expression, already imagining all the possible ways Buffy's date could have gone wrong.

"Nothing. Thank God, nothing. But even that nothing was, nyah! It's Giles! What the hell was I thinking?!"

Willow's expression was half confusion and half disappointment. "But, pretty eyes. Accent. Romantic…"

"Old. Father-figure. Wrong. Total, total wrongness."

"Father-figure?"

"Or mentor, Watcher, whatever. It was awkward." Buffy walked determinedly into the Gap, straight to the "Back to School Sale!" section and started rifling through a rack of shirts without really looking at them. Willow was right behind her.

"How was he?"

"Awkward, okay? It was awkward and embarrassing, and I'm never speaking of it again. It never happened."

Willow opened her mouth, but Buffy cut her off before she could speak a word.

"Just forget it. Never. Happened."

xxx

Over the next few days every detail of that evening burned itself into Giles' memory: the way Buffy crossed her arms protectively in front of her, her shoulders held stiffly; how she edged away from him whenever the crowd of movie goers leaving the theatre threatened to force them closer together; the forced, stilted conversation as he drove her home; her too-bright smile that didn't reach her eyes when she wished him goodnight. And she had neither dropped by his apartment nor called him since. He worried that she never would again. She was the most important person in his life, she defined him, he didn't know what he would do if he didn't have her in his life. Yet he couldn't bring himself to call her. After a week he began to miss her company which made Giles hate himself a little bit more.

_As if I haven't gotten myself into enough trouble as it is. Now I'm pining for her. For an eighteen year-old. God, there's something wrong with me._

He had to get out. He went to a bar, hoping that the noise and chatter would drive out some of the shadows from his mind, and if that failed, that was what alcohol was for.

He was staring glumly into his second glass of scotch when he heard a familiar voice.

"Drinking alone, Rupert? That's never a good sign."

Giles looked up to see Olivia smiling at him.

xxx

Giles met Olivia eight years ago, at the Museum.

He had been on his way to lunch when he passed a group of art students clustered around a Greek statue. They were from one of the classes run out of the museum and Giles was acquainted with the teacher. He stopped to chat, smiling pleasantly as she told him about her students' progress. Then he noticed one of those students had turned away from the assigned subject and was facing him. She wore her long hair in creatively twisted braids, and her high forehead and round face gave her an almost child-like charm. When she glanced up from her sketchpad her eyes sparked impishly at him. Giles blinked.

The teacher turned to see what Giles was looking at. She marched up to the student.

"You're _supposed_ to be sketching the statue, Olivia," she whispered sharply.

"But he has such nice lines," she replied, looking Giles up and down. She spoke at a normal volume, and other students turned to see what was going on.

Giles felt his face go red, but he couldn't help but smile.

"He's the _curator_," the teacher said, as if that made him someone venerated, and stodgy, and incapable of having nice lines.

"Oh." Olivia nodded, but still didn't turn around. Giles was beginning to find her rather amusing.

"Get back to work," the teacher snapped at the students who had turned to watch and with an irritated glance at Olivia marched back to Giles. "I'm terribly sorry about that."

"Um, quiet alright. Actually…" Giles raised his voice and addressed himself to the student, "I was wondering if – Olivia, was it? – if you'd like to come for lunch with me."

"Now?" Olivia asked.

Giles nodded, ignoring the shocked expression of the teacher. Olivia gathered up her things and was at Giles' side in a moment.

"I'll see you later," he said pleasantly to the teacher, trying not to smile, and he and Olivia walked away together, arm-in-arm.

As soon as they turned a corner they started laughing.

"Oh, she's going to murder me," Giles said.

"No, not you. You're the _curator_," Olivia mocked the teacher's tone.

"Call me Rupert."

"Like the bear." Olivia smiled. "And I'll bet you're just as cuddly."

"Uh…" Giles blushed. It had been awhile since he had last flirted; he was out of practice. "Where would you like to go to eat?"

The entire episode had Giles feeling rather surprised at himself. He had rarely behaved in such a way since he had returned to the Council. Now here he was, going on a date with a girl he had just met five minutes ago, who was looking at him like he was interesting and exciting, like she could see right through him.

Olivia opted for Indian food, and they joked and laughed through their entire meal. She walked back with him to the museum.

"Do you want to go out again tomorrow?" Giles asked her on the museum steps.

Olivia winced. "Oh, I already have another date."

Giles was taken aback. He thought they had been getting on so well…

"But if you want to come by my place tonight, I'd love to stay in."

"Oh." Giles frowned.

"Don't tell me you're shocked," she said seriously.

"No…" Giles replied carefully. He wasn't expecting it to come to this so soon, but Olivia had indeed broadcast her intentions quite clearly throughout their date. "I'm just… well… Honestly, I'm trying reform," he finally said, trying not to sound too ridiculous. "Casual… relationships are something I'm staying away from."

"Oh." Olivia raised her eyebrows. "Why?"

"They always end with people getting hurt."

"You can't hurt me. I don't believe in love."

"I've heard that before."

"I mean it. I don't believe it's good for a person. Just brings a lot of pain and angst. So I bolt when I see it coming."

"Ah. And what about me?"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Olivia said dismissively. "I'm impossible to fall in love with. "I'm very messy, and rude and have terrible morning breath."

Giles laughed. "I think I like you too much already."

"So I'll see you tonight?"

"Alright."

Olivia was true to her word. Whenever she thought either of them was getting too attached to the other she declared a moratorium on all contact for a week, or a month, or however long she thought was needed for them to get over each other. Then they would start again, from the beginning.

When Giles left for Sunnydale he hadn't seen Olivia for two years.

xxx

For the first time in a week, Giles actually smiled. "Olivia! What are you doing here?"

"Working up the courage to go and see you actually."

Giles looked at her curiously.

"My friend has a big exhibit in L.A. right now. I thought I'd detour here to see you. But since I had to go to the museum to get your contact info after you left, I thought you might not want to see me again."

"I'm sorry. I had to leave in, uh, a-a hurry. But I'd never not want to see you."

"Even if you were married, with four kiddies and a dog?"

Giles smiled. She was still interested in him. Despite the grey hairs and lines that were new since she last saw him. "I'm unattached."

"Good."

"And I take it you're still avoiding Cupid's darts?"

Olivia's face darkened and she looked away. "I thought I was. Then this guy came along and knocked me over before I could bolt. I fell hard. But I guess I really am impossible to fall in love with, 'cause then he left," she said brusquely. "I don't like talking about it."

"Duly noted."

Olivia called the bartender over and ordered a rum and coke.

"How about you? Broken many hearts these past five years?" she asked. "Or did someone break yours?" she added, more gently, noticing the haunted look that momentarily crossed his face.

Giles stared into his glass.

"There, um, there was someone. She… uh, she died."

"I'm sorry."

"I think I need another scotch."

And he had thought he couldn't get any more depressed. He had gone for so long without thinking of Jenny, and now all the thoughts came back, all of his old guilt and regrets, and more. He felt guilty for not thinking about her for so long, even though it was once something he had striven for, to forget. And he felt guilty for getting caught up in a trivial, internal melodrama over his feelings for Buffy. It seemed so inconsequential now. He didn't know how to describe how he felt about Buffy, but he knew he had only ever been in love with Jenny. He only ever would be. And that was something else he was guilty of...

"I never told her I loved her," he said very softly. He had never said it aloud before.

"I'm sorry."

The bartender brought Giles his drink, and he and Olivia sat together in silence.

"Remember when we used to go out drinking for fun?" Olivia suddenly said. "What was that all about?"

Giles couldn't help it. He laughed. "It's an odd thing to do, actually, seeing as alcohol is a dopemine."

"Are you suggesting we should have gotten high together instead?"

"Of course not."

"That's right, you were trying to reform."

"Until you corrupted me."

"Do you want to get out of here?"

"Let's."

Giles pretended to be more light-hearted than he was, and he suspected that Olivia was pretending too, but that didn't matter. Olivia made him feel good about himself and he decided he would do his best to make her genuinely happy too.


	10. Morning Regrets

So, students were disappearing on campus. Buffy wondered if this was something she should go to Giles about, she wondered if she _wanted_ to go to Giles about it.

It had been a week since the disaster that Buffy had termed their non-date. She had avoided Giles since then to give them both a chance to get over what she decided had been a brief spell of mutual insanity. Now she decided that a week was enough time; she was ready to be normal with Giles again. After the overwhelming new-and-strangeness of college, she felt that she needed _something_ that was normal.

xxx

When he saw Buffy for the first time since their "date," Giles felt his stomach give an unpleasant lurch, but overall, he thought he handled himself well. He was just as glad that she saw Olivia in his apartment, saw that he was interested in someone who wasn't her. It would make acting as if he never _was_ interested in her much easier. Even now he was beginning to deny to himself that he had ever felt anything more than a slight crush for Buffy. And Giles encouraged her to work out the problem on her own, so that she would be less dependent on him, and he could start being less dependant on her. _Yes_, Giles thought, leaning against the breakfast bar,_ that wasn't so bad_.

"Did you help her?" Olivia asked, coming up behind him.

"I don't know." Giles said, but Olivia's question had triggered a new wave of guilt. _Dammit, Giles, you're still her watcher. What if she _**_does_**_ need help?_

"And are all your former students in the habit of walking into your apartment, looking for your help?" Her tone was part teasing, part honest curiosity, and just a little bit jealous.

"What?" Giles turned to her. She raised her eyebrows at him. "Um, no. No. Buffy, she, uh, sh-she's my, um... I-I-I'm a friend of her family."

_Good show Giles. Very convincing.___

Olivia appeared to believe him, however. She nodded, accepting. "You should watch out for her, if you want to stay friends with the family."

"What?" It sounded as if Olivia was warning him to keep his distance from Buffy.

"She has a crush on you," she said plainly. "Not good for friendships."

Giles blinked. "Sh-she can't. She's eighteen."

Olivia shrugged. "I was nineteen when we started."

"I didn't know that."

"How old did you think I was?"

"I didn't really think about it." Giles was somewhat disturbed by the revelation. "Anyways, I was younger then too."

"I'd still go for eight-years-later-you."

"Well, that's you. To Buffy I'm 'old' and 'gross.'" He had already surmised this from how she acted after the movie. Her saying as much to his face only confirmed it.

"She was being defensive. I think she was upset to see me with you. She was jealous."

"She can't be." Giles insisted, despite the fact that Olivia's analysis did strike him as quite possibly accurate.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "If you say so. I'm just saying be careful. Don't encourage her."

"I never would."

_Never_.

xxx

"Hi. Where's Oz?" Buffy asked Willow as she sat down next to her in the cafeteria.

"Practicing. Gig tonight. Where've you been?"

"At Giles'." Buffy said, with a practiced kind of casualness, and took some fries from her friend's plate.

"How's he doing?"

"Good." Buffy said brightly. "Really good. He had a, um, a girl there. Wearing his clothes." Buffy's demeanor seemed to visibly melt into bad-moodiness.

"Oh." Willow said lightly, adding a second later, "_Oh_. Um, well, good for him. Right?"

"Yeah..." Buffy nodded.

"Yeah... but?"

"I thought he liked me." Buffy said, sad and confused.

Willow looked even more bewildered. "What happened to him being all old and fatherly?"

"He still is, I just... I don't know..." Buffy sighed, frustrated with herself and her own feelings. "I just want him to like me."

Willow didn't know what to say. They sat in silence, until Willow caught sight of the clock. "Oh, I gotta go Buffy..."

"But, I'm all mopey. You can't leave me here to mope alone."

"I have class," Willow said apologetically, and dashed away.

Buffy slowly got to her feet and meandered back to her room. She felt like everyone was leaving her.


	11. Tug of War

Buffy was in the school gym. There was a disco ball flashing reflected light around the room. People's voices echoed around her, chattering and laughing. She kept looking over her shoulder, looking for someone she knew was there, but the room was empty, completely empty. Then the lights went out and she was alone.

Buffy woke up.

She may have stomped Gachnar flat, but some demons never really go away.

xxx 

_Well. This is fun_. Buffy thought sarcastically. Oz was backstage, talking shop with the band, Willow was guarding him against that Veruca chick, and Xander had to call it a night because of a job interview he had early the next day. And she was left with Giles. Giles who had been all weird and moody and distant for weeks, and had now suddenly decided to check out the Bronze, dressed kinda cool, claiming to be "down with the new music," and getting all entranced by Veruca's "presence." It crossed Buffy's mind that he might be going slightly insane with cabin fever and should be pitied, but her annoyance with him was too great to do so. 

"Nice going, back there Giles, but you were supposed to slag the potential boyfriend stealer, not drool over her." 

"What?"

"The 'rather remarkable' songstress?"

"I was not 'drooling' over her." 

"You weren't doing Willow's ego any favours." 

"And again I say, what?"

"She was getting all eye-contacty with Oz, threatening Will's territory. Jeez, for a watcher you sure are blind," she added in response to his surprised look.

"What has that got to do with what I said?"

"You could have done your part to dissuade him."

"Because Oz considers my opinion when making choices about his personal life?" Giles asked sarcastically. 

"Well, it's the thought that counts." Buffy pouted. 

Giles rolled his eyes. "Oz clearly loves Willow. Whether or not he feels an attraction to this girl doesn't change that." 

Buffy sat quietly, thinking about what Giles had said. She glanced up at him and she thought she caught his eyes darting away from her, like he been looking at her and didn't want her to know. The thought gave her butterflies.

"How's Olivia?" she asked, seemingly casual.

"Wha-? Oh, um, she's fine. Last I heard." Giles was suddenly taking a great interest in his latte.

"Last you heard?"

"Yes. She was only here for a couple of days, and we, er, don't generally keep in touch."

"What's your definition of 'keep in touch?'" Buffy asked pointedly. Then she kicked herself mentally. _Way to go with the anti-icebreaker, genius._

"I think it might be getting rather late for me..." Giles said, ignoring Buffy's comment and getting to his feet.

"You can't go. I'll be alone, all by my lonesome," Buffy protested. "It's not gentlemanly of you."

Giles gave an exasperated sigh and sat down again.

"Yay." Buffy smiled and hopped off her stool and on to one next to Giles. "Watcher-Slayer quality time. It's been a while since we've had that," she said more seriously, almost wistfully.

"Quite." Giles said, keeping his eyes downcast.

Buffy ducked her head and looked up at him to catch his eye. He blinked, taken aback. 

"Not much with the eye-contact tonight, are you? Why the shy?"

"Well, uh, I-I'm n-not... I d-don't... don't know what you mean."

"Uh huh. The stutter really convinces."

Giles grimaced and Buffy worried he would want to leave again_. I sure know how to work that charm_. "Sorry," she said. "The brat in me's really coming out to play tonight."

"No. Not at all."

"The stutter's totally Hugh Grant by the way. It's cute." _God, I'm flirting with him,_ she realized. Then she noticed he was blushing. It definitely gave her butterflies. _I've forgotten how much fun this can be_. She remembered why she had stopped before, but now she thought Giles flirting back wouldn't be half so squicky. In fact, she was kind of hoping he would. She was hoping for some clear sign that he still _liked_ her.

A mumbled, "I'm too old to be 'cute,'" was his only reply.

"I don't think so." Buffy was surprised herself by the sincerity of her tone.

"If you don't mind, I really think I'd like to go home now."

"Why?" Buffy sounded slightly hurt. "This is where the action's at. Whatcha gonna do at home?" 

"Um, well, I'm in the middle of re-reading _Frankenstein_, actually..."

"That's no fun. You already know how it ends. Monster dies. Everyone lives happily ever after." 

"That's the movie, Buffy," Giles said, with a slight smile, the first one Buffy had seen on him all night. "The book is quite different. And I like to know how things will end before hand."

"Oh." Buffy nodded. She felt an awkward silence coming on, and said the first thing that came to mind, "I feel like dancing." She hopped off her stool and extended an arm to Giles. "Come with?"

He looked at her blankly, at a total loss for how to react.

"Guess not." Buffy smiled, trying to turn it into a joke. _Was I really being serious? __  
_  
"Not a chance." Giles said dryly.

"I just wanna keep an eye on you, so you don't go sneaking off."

"I promise I'll stay until Willow and Oz return."

"Okay, if you promise." Buffy said teasingly, like she still didn't quite trust him, and turned towards the dance floor.

Giles let his eyes follow her as she started to move her hips and shoulders to the music, then she turned and looked right at him, her eyes coy and knowing at the same time. He felt his stomach jolt and quickly turned back to his coffee cup. _I am not watching her. I am not watching her..._ Part of him was angry at her. He had been doing fine, seeing less of her, and keeping vigilantly self-aware about his emotions; he thought he had been getting over her. What did she mean, acting this way around him? She wasn't even bothering to be subtle about it. Was she _trying _to make his life unbearable? He felt like she had him on a leash and kept yanking him towards her, then letting him go. He felt manipulated and --

"Hey, dude."

Giles looked up. A few boys, approximately in their mid-twenties, and all dressed with a great lack of taste were sitting a table away. The one with the goatee was apparently addressing him.

"Yes?" Giles said, not without suspicion.

"That your daughter?" The boy nodded towards the dance floor, indicating Buffy.

"No..." 

"Told you," one of the other boys said, a snicker in his voice.

Giles glowered. He could see where this was going. "She's my friend," he said, threatening.

The boys were unfazed. "Yeah... what's friendship like that going for?"

Giles got to his feet, intending to do something violent, but then thought better of starting a fight against a group of boys half his age in a crowded club. He turned and left instead. 

Giles walked quickly away from the Bronze, fists jammed in his pockets, hoping to run across something he could pummel. If the boys had been making fun of him, maybe he wouldn't have minded so much, but they had been entirely serious.

"Hey, Giles!" He heard Buffy call, and wondered if he could pretend he didn't, but then she caught up to him. "Were those guys bugging you? I can beat them up."

"Don't bother," Giles said and kept walking.

"No, I can if you want me to." 

"They're not worth it."

"Then why'd you let them chase you away?"

"I didn't..." 

"Then come back and hang with me." She linked her arm with his. Her tone was teasing again. "Come on, you promised..." She tugged him lightly back towards the club. 

Giles jerked his arm away and rounded on Buffy. "Why are you acting like this?" He was angry and pleading at the same time, his green eyes searching her face intently for an answer. 

Buffy looked back at him, her face blank with shock. "Like what?"

"Like..." _I'm Xander... we're friends... I'm young... we're dating_, Giles didn't give voice to any of the answers that ran through his head, but turned from Buffy and walked away, leaving her standing alone in the dark night. 

xxx

After that Giles was even more distant and moody than before, but Buffy stopped thinking of it as weird. She started getting used to it, giving up on the idea that she could make things between her and Giles the same as they had been that summer, right before she started college.


	12. The Truth Spell

Anya didn't know where she stood with Xander. Their relationship wasn't going anywhere and he wouldn't tell her what was wrong. Typical uncommunicative male. And she wasn't sure she'd believe him even if he did tell her. Typical males are also liars. So when Willow showed up at the Scooby meeting with a pouch full of magic Truth Powder and left it lying around Anya had no qualms about sprinkling some on Xander. There would have been plenty left over to use on Spike too if Giles hadn't gotten all grabby when Anya picked up the pouch. The tug-of-war that ensued left both Xander and Giles covered in the sparkly magic dust. Which was fine with Anya. As long as Xander had to answer every question she asked with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth she was satisfied with the situation.

Xander and Giles were less happy about it. 

Willow, meanwhile, saw the potential for entertainment. "This could be kinda fun," she smiled impishly and searched her mind for something to ask them. "Um… What do you guys think of my new haircut?"

"It's cute." Xander replied plainly. 

"It's quite flattering. It brings out your eyes. You look very attractive." Giles blinked, taken aback by his own words. 

Willow smiled, pleased with her compliments.

"What do you think of my hair?" Buffy asked, trying not to sound pouty.

"It's big."

"I prefer it straight."

They both cringed and avoided meeting Buffy's petulant glare.

"Keep quiet, you two."

Buffy and Willow gawked at Anya's bossiness.

The ex-demon, however, was oblivious. "I want to test it to make sure the spell is actually working."

"What makes you think it isn't working?" Willow demanded.

"Oh, I'm afraid it's working very well," Giles found himself compelled to reply. 

"Ditto," Xander added.

Anya ignored them all. "What colour is the sky? Try to lie."

"Blue," Xander answered almost immediately.

"As a result of diffuse sky radiation the sky appears as a blue gradient, and turns orange and red at sunrise and sunset and becomes black at night."

"Good. It's working," Anya concluded, talking over Giles' answer. "Do you… _like_ me?"

"Yes. You put me under a spell just to ask me _that_?" He then found himself forced to answer his own question, "Obviously."

Meanwhile, Giles was muttering, "Not in the least. In fact, at this moment I find myself rather despising you. Obviously."

Xander turned to Giles curiously. "Not complaining here, but how come your answers are so wordy? I don't know, that's why I'm asking." He rolled his eyes. "And what kind of stupid spell makes it so you have to answer your own questions? A really stupid one!"

"The quantity of the answer is likely directly proportional to one's quantity of thought: you think little, and therefore your answer is brief. A stupid one indeed," Giles replied to both of Xander's questions.

"Hey!"

Giles shrugged apologetically, it wasn't as if he could have answered any other way.

Buffy was starting to see the situation's downward-spiral-into-chaos potential.

"Is there –" She stopped herself to rephrase, "There must be some way to end the spell."

"It should wear off in a few hours," Willow said.

"A few _hours_!" Xander exclaimed, horrified.

Anya turned on him. "What, is there something you don't want to tell me?" 

"Yes," both men replied in unison.

Buffy and Willow turned to them curiously, eyebrows raised. Anya narrowed her eyes suspiciously at Xander.

"Erm, there must be some way to break the spell sooner. I think I'll, um, research that…" Giles said uncomfortably and headed towards his bookcase.

"Good plan, book-man!" Xander said, a little too enthusiastically. "I'll help!" And he hurried after Giles, trying to avoid Anya's icy stare.

"We all will," Buffy said.

"Yeah, my expectation of fun were overly optimistic."

"Glad to hear you've accepted disappointment, Will."

They each piled up their arms with big, old, helpful-looking books and settled around Giles' coffee table to find a solution to their inconvenient problem. Anya was the only one who didn't move. She stood still, her arms crossed, only turning her head so that she could follow Xander with her stony gaze.

"Do you think I'm sexy?" She asked coldly, betraying only a hint of insecurity that Xander didn't pick up on.

He rolled his eyes again. "Duh! I have sex with you, of course! I can't believe you did this to me to ask these stupid questions."

"You're physically attractive enough, but your abrasive personality is completely off-putting." 

Willow and Buffy shared a smirk at Giles' answer.

"So you think I'm stupid?"

Xander moaned in exasperation. "No."

"Yes."

Anya turned to Giles. "What the hell's you're problem?"

"My entire life," Xander was forced to wearily reply.

"I've been thoughtlessly subjected to a spell that forces me to answer inane questions that aren't even directed at me! What do you think my bloody problem is? It's highly probable that you don't think at all!"

"You're old and unemployed," Xander answered.

Giles rounded on him, his eyes shooting daggers.

"Hey, hey, hey," Willow intervened nervously. "Arguing never made any spells go away. That I know of... Gi--" She turned to Giles to confirm but seeing his warning look she bit her tongue. "Nevermind. No-question policy in practice."

The others nodded silently in agreement and returned their attention to their books. Except for Anya. She was in no mood to drop her line of questioning. "Are you more attracted to me than to Willow?"

The redhead in question looked up, taken aback by Anya's bluntness, but too interested in what the answer would be to try to enforce the policy.

"Marginally." Xander's eyes widened with fear. "Oh, crap."

"Not in the least," Giles said.

Willow couldn't help but smile. 

Anya, meanwhile, was barely controlling her fury. "_Marginally_?"

Xander cowered under the ex-vegeance demon. "Yeah," he squeaked.

"No, not marginally. I think Willow is a good deal more attractive than you. Oh, dear Lord." Giles was looking quite annoyed with himself.

Willow turned to him, surprised. "You think I'm sexy?"

Buffy's head snapped up and looked from Willow to Giles.

"Yes," both Xander and Giles replied at the same time.

Buffy frowned. Anya glowered.

"Objectively speaking," Giles added hastily.

"Oh." Willow sounded vaguely disappointed. "So you'd never…?" Though the wording was vague, Willow's meaning was clear enough for the sake of the spell.

"If you wanted me to," Xander answered compulsively. "Oh, God."

"Perhaps if you were older." Giles looked like he couldn't believe what he was saying, or what Willow was asking. He looked at her, appalled.

"Just curious," Willow told him defensively, and smiled mysteriously to herself.

Buffy turned determinedly back to her book, though her eyes weren't moving across the pages at all. Anya, meanwhile, was no longer even bothering to contain her anger. "So, you'd have sex with Willow?"

"Yeah," Xander answered sheepishly. 

"No!" Giles was adamant.

Buffy smiled a little. 

"Would you rather have sex with Willow than with me?" 

"I'd rather do it with both of you at the same time." Xander's eyes widened with horror. "Oh. My. Godinheavenhavemercyonme, could you _stop_ it with the questions already? No she's not gonna stop."

"If those are the choices…" Giles lowered his head so that the others only heard him mumble the rest of his answer. Still, Buffy's smile disappeared. Giles looked up again to reply to Xander, "She's not going to stop the questions," and turned to Anya, his eyes sparking with suppressed anger and a hint of panic. "But could you at least try to remember that you've got me roped into this as well and show a little consideration? I suspect that would be too much to ask." 

"I suspect you're right."

Anya was indignant. "No, I'm not gonna stop. We're finally getting somewhere," she said, glaring at Xander.

"Look, just stop it with the sex questions. The rest of us don't want to know about that," Buffy ordered.

Anya, however, wasn't one to take orders. "Do you want to have sex with Buffy?"

"God, yes."

"Ditto," Xander agreed. Then he realized just who and what he was agreeing with and turned to stare at Giles in disbelief. Everyone else was doing the same.

Giles seemed frozen, a look of pure, bewildered horror on his face.

"_What?_" Buffy asked in little more than a whisper.

Giles didn't answer, didn't even look at her. He just clamped his mouth shut and walked out of his apartment as fast as he could.


	13. Adding Up

"So, you'd have sex with Buffy?" Anya was infuriated with Xander. The fact that everyone else in the room was frozen in a shocked silence didn't even register.

Xander looked up at her with an incredulous face. "Yes. I'd have sex with Buffy. I'd have sex with Willow. I'd have sex with Ms. Tishler from tenth grade psych if she asked me to! I'm an 18 year-old guy and I'm easy! But it doesn't matter because it wouldn't mean anything, not like it does when I'm with you."

Anya was quiet, taken aback by Xander's outburst. "Really?" She finally asked, still not quite believing him. "I'm special to you?"

"Yeah." Xander looked like he didn't quite believe it himself. 

Anya's expression melted into an affectionate smile, as she hurried to her boyfriend and hugged him tightly.

"Wow. Today's just full of shocking revelations," Buffy said quietly.

Xander turned from Anya's smiling face to his friend. "Are you-" He stopped to rephrase. "How-" Stopped again. "I'm wondering if you're okay."

"I dunno. It's weird." 

"How am I special to you?" Anya asked blithely, still perched on Xander's lap, her arms around him.

"I dunno," he said dismissively. "You make me feel better. Like a better person. Look, Buffy." His tone was serious now. "If it helps, he obviously knows its wrong. He doesn't want to feel this way about you."

"What, like you're better than me?"

"No, like I'm a better person than I thought I was. Which really isn't the most urgent issue right now, honey..."

While Xander was preoccupied with Anya, Willow turned to Buffy and mouthed silently, "Do you want him to?"

"Of course not." Xander blinked and turned to his friends, puzzled. "Did one of you just ask a question?" he asked, then replied, "I dunno."

"No," Buffy and Willow said together.

"What's more urgent than our relationship?" Anya demanded.

"This... thing with Giles."

"Oh, you mean how he wants to have sex with her?"

"Yeah."

"I don't care about that."

"Xander, maybe it would be better for you and Anya just to go home," Buffy suggested. "Will and I'll stay here and look for a cure. We'll call if we find anything."

"Are you... If you're sure." 

"Yeah, we're good."

"Take your time." Anya smiled as she left Xander's lap and headed for the door. "I like Xander this way. He's much more communicative."

After the couple left, Willow turned to Buffy.

"Do you want him to... you know?"

"Want me? I dunno. " Buffy curled her legs under her and wrapped her hands around her knees. " I mean, I kinda knew he... likes me." _No, I always knew_. "But that he wants me..." _Actually, I knew that too._ "I don't know what I think." _It's easier not to. Hence, the denial._ "It complicates things."

"Doesn't it always?"

"What?"

"Love?" Willow's voice was weak and uncertain.

Buffy just frowned pensively.

"I mean, he _does_ love you. So doesn't love, and-and wanting add up to... well, _Love_?" It was a big-L "love" that Willow meant.

"I dunno. You're the math wiz." Buffy said helplessly. "But does that even matter? Whether he loves me or wants me, it still comes down to the same thing."

"Which is what?"

Buffy hesitated and cast her eyes downward. She spoke very softly. "If I want him."

"Oh."

They sat in silence.

"Does it have to?" Willow said.

Buffy looked up and was met by Willow's wide, wondering eyes.

"I mean, Xander wanted you for a long time - and, uh, still does, apparently - but, my point is, that doesn't stop you from being just friends."

"Giles is different."

"How?"

Buffy's expression went blank, as if her gaze turned inward.

_He doesn't have anybody. ___

_I'm afraid he'll leave me. ___

_I owe him. ___

_I need him. ___

_I miss him. ___

_He can make me miserable. He can cause me heartache. ___

_Doesn't that mean something? __  
_  
"I can love him. I can make it work."

"Are you sure you want to?" She was looking at Buffy slightly incredulously.

"What's with the doubt? You were the one who was all 'Yay for the Giles-smoochies.'"

"That was fun. This is serious. Really serious."

"It was always serious, Will. Even if we weren't."

"Well, okay, I realize that _now,_" Willow said defensively. "Buffy, I don't think you can start a-a thing with Giles and not have it be a forever-thing. You could never go back to being just Watcher and Slayer."

"Like we can do that now?" Buffy said sardonically.

"Maybe. Maybe it's just like a-a passing crush, and he'll get over it and move on."

_Maybe I don't want him to._ Looking at Willow now, her brow knit with worry, her eyes warning Buffy not to do something she'll regret, her chin drawn back either in fear, or disgust or both, Buffy was sure she couldn't understand what Giles meant to her, and what she was willing to do for him... _Even if it is forever_.

"Well, whatever happens," Buffy said, coming to a decision, "whatever happens, I have to talk to him. At least I can tell him he doesn't have to be so uptight about it."

Willow nodded approvingly. "Do you know where he went?"

"No. I'm sure he wants to be alone now though. I'll just wait for him to come back. I wanna wait 'til he has free will over his speech before we talk anyways."

"We're giving up on the research?"

"The spell will probably wear out by the time we find anything."

"You want me to keep you company?"

"Thanks but no. I think I've got some thinking."

"Yeah. I guess so."


	14. No Good

By the time Giles returned home he felt emotionally dry and hollow. Every depressing thought and scenario of how things could play out from here had already run through his head (even the best scenarios ended with Buffy never speaking to him again); and his internal voice of morality had already thoroughly berated him for his lack of control, for failing to live up to the standards he had set for himself after he had returned to the Council, and for the triumph of Ripper over Rupert Giles in the continual inner battle between high ideals and base desire. The time when the thought of kissing Buffy had made him giddy and fearful, when he felt ashamed for merely admiring her openly was a grade school crush compared to what he felt now. Everything he had repressed and ignored and denied that he felt over the past weeks was now coming back to him: the inclination to somehow pretend that Olivia was her, the jealousy and hurt he felt seeing her come into her room Sunday morning in the same clothes she wore the night before, his resentment of her for teasing him and leading him on. And for feeling all those things, Giles also felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and sorrow. He thought it impossible that he could feel any worse.

He only had the opportunity to get a little more than half-way drunk between the time the spell wore off and closing time -- it was enough that he would have a headache in the morning, but was far short of the forgetful stupor he was aiming for -- but he had a good store of liquor at home and intended to finish the job.

He entered his empty apartment, dark except for the diffuse light of one art deco table lamp, and closed the door behind him.

"Giles?"

He started.

Buffy's head appeared, peeking over the back of the couch. "What time is it?" she asked sleepily.

"P-p-past midnight."

"Jeez." Buffy stifled a yawn as she took in Giles' somewhat disheveled appearance. "Delinquent much?"

"Q-quite. I, uh, I've been drinking." He stared at her, blinking disbelievingly. "Um, a-are you real?" Although Buffy had, one might say, "come on" to him at the Bronze, Giles knew she had just been teasing him. It was only a game to her. The revelation of that morning was surely received by her with horror and repulsion and a sense of betrayal. He would have considered himself lucky to hear from her at all over the course of the next few days, but here she was now, standing before him, in his apartment, albeit, looking at him askance.

"Yeah. One hundred percent authentic Buffy. I, uh, I wanted to talk to you." Fully awake now, she looked him over again. as she walked around to his side of the room. "But maybe now's not a good time." She started for the door.

Giles rushed forward to intervene. "No. No, wait, please, Buffy, I-I-I..."

"Don't," Buffy interrupted gently. "It's okay."

"But, I..." Giles continued before what Buffy said registered. "What did you say?"

She couldn't help smiling a little. "We're good. No sorries. No explanations."

He looked as bewildered as before. "What?"

"I'm saying you didn't have to go drown your troubles, 'cause you don't have any."

"So, you don't hate me?" he asked tentatively.

Buffy's expression softened. "No."

"Oh, thank God." Giles' entire posture seemed to relax and he leaned back against the door. He had never been so relieved in his life. It was all right. They wouldn't be as they were before, but they would be all right.

Buffy stepped forward. "Actually, I... I kinda the opposite of hate you." 

Giles almost smiled, thinking she meant she loved him as she always did, in a platonic sense. "Thank you. I..." He stopped when he saw the expectant look on Buffy's face, completely bewildered again.

Buffy cast her gaze downward, as if she were shy, but spoke matter-of-factly. "See, now's when you say you don't hate me too and... then we kiss."

"Oh," he said plainly. Then what Buffy said sunk in. "_Oh_." For a moment he was frozen, then his face broke into the most brilliantly happy smile, but it faded as soon as Buffy stepped towards him, her face turned up in an expectant expression again. "Oh dear. This-this can't be right." He edged away from her. "Y-y-you're under a-a spell, or you're, um, possessed, or perhaps I'm under a spell..."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Give it up, Giles. You know I... that I've... _liked_ you for a while now."

Giles shook his head. "I never thought you were serious." _But I did, that time at the movies._

"I am serious."

And she looked it, but Giles couldn't believe her. It didn't make sense, she was still so young. And even if she was serious, it still wouldn't be right.

"Maybe you are, but Buffy, I more than 'like' you." His voice was low, confessional. When his eyes flickered in her direction they were intense and painful. "Please understand, you are more important to me than anything in the world, but I want you, in the worst way."

"Oh." Buffy's expression changed, but not in the way Giles had expected. There was a hint of a spark in her eyes now. "So... are you going to do something about that?"

"You don't understand..."

"Actually, I think I do." There was a note of sarcasm in her voice.

"Then please leave."

"No."

Giles gave an exasperated sigh and turned from Buffy, running a hand through his hair. "Why do you always have to be so bloody contradictory?"

"Giles, I have feelings for you too..."

"No..."

"They're my feelings, I should know."

"This isn't about talking about our 'feelings' and 'liking' one another," he snapped, rounding on her, a bitter edge in his voice. "I don't want to _date_ you or make-out in the back of movie theatres..."

Buffy was taken aback, but still met his gaze, hers just as hard. "I'm not a kid, Giles..."

"You are, you're a child!"

"I've had sex before."

"This is different."

"How?"

"It's wrong."

"Angel was older than you."

"God knows that was a model relationship. If that's your standard I suppose I am a step up, by virtue of not being undead!"

Buffy looked like she had been slapped in the face. "I..." she started, but then she turned from him. "Oh, God." 

Giles' anger melted away. He was left feeling sick with himself. "Buffy, I..."

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

She turned back to him, but kept her head down. "I do love you," she whispered.

Giles felt drawn to her. He wanted so much to go to her and kiss her and never stop. "The smart thing for you to do is to go home..." he said.

"No, let's talk this out."

"There's no point in talking. It can't possibly work."

"I can make it work," she insisted.

"Don't you give up?" Giles exclaimed in frustration.

"No."

Determination and resolve were evident in every feature of Buffy's face. Giles made up his mind, and without saying anything, turned to leave. Buffy cut him off, stepping directly in front of him, and pulled him into a kiss. For perhaps a split second the thought, _No good will come of this _may have flashed through his brain, but then he gave up on thinking entirely and was kissing her back.

_Oh. My. God. I'm kissing Giles, _Buffy thought, as though surprised by her own actions. And then, _Oh my God, he's kissing me._ Not that it was bad, just surprising. Giles was kissing her passionately, one of his hands at the back of her head, the other on the small of her back, holding her close to him, like he could never hold her close enough. She needed to take a break to breathe and pulled away. He shifted his weight, so that she was supporting him, making her lose her balance and stumble backwards -- a move Buffy remembered from self-defence. Her back hit the wall hard enough to knock the breath out of her, and before she could catch it he was kissing her again. Buffy briefly wondered if Giles had done it deliberately, or if it had happened because he was drunk. He was kissing her like he didn't care that she wasn't kissing him back.

She was almost going to push off when he pulled away from her. He turned his attention to her neck, her shoulder, her clavicle. Buffy moaned softly. His hands slipped under her shirt.

"Um, maybe we should slow down?" she said.

Giles kissed her again, lips hard on hers.

"You taste like alcohol," she said when he broke off the kiss, her voice slightly nervous.

He kissed her again, soft and slow this time. "You taste like sunshine." He whispered.

Buffy smiled and kissed him back, her fingers drawing patterns at the nape of his neck. She trailed kisses along his jaw, and felt his fingertips lightly tracing paths up her thighs, under her skirt.

"Or, uh, maybe we should go upstairs?" she suggested breathlessly.

"Eventually." His voice was barely audible.

Buffy gasped sharply as he pressed her harder against the wall, and then he was kissing her fiercely again. When he broke away again, his eyes flashed darkly, in a way that made Buffy's stomach jolt.

Her own eyes sparked as she looked up at him. "Okay."


	15. love

The early morning songbirds were chirping away before the pale, grey light of sunrise had even begun to filter through the windows of Giles' apartment. Buffy and Giles listened to them in silence; both of them wide awake after only a few hours' sleep. Giles lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, a rather shocked expression on his face. Buffy was curled up next to him, her head resting on his shoulder. Neither of them wanted to be the first to move.

For Buffy it was maybe the weirdest thing ever. She had had sex with Giles. Giles, her Watcher. Her high school librarian. Giles, who used to wear a three-piece suit every day, no matter how hot it was. Giles, who stutters. Who gets excited over werewolves and grave robbing. Giles, who loves her more and better than anyone else in the world. It was the weirdest thing, but it didn't feel that way at all. Lying next to him felt like where she was always supposed to be.

Giles had woken up happy and contented, with the sensation of a warm body lying next to him, her breathing in time with his own. But now that the pleasant haze of sleep had left him, so had the last remnants of euphoria. Buffy snuggled closer to him and sighed contentedly. She felt so good, so warm and soft. She had been very good. He wanted her again, and he literally felt sick with himself because of it. He couldn't bring himself to look at her, but he could feel her pressed against him and could see her in his mind's eye, small and naked, curled up and clinging to him, like a child. He thought he might throw up.

That wass when he remembered Spike was still bound and gagged in his bathroom. He cringed, hoping to God that the vampire hadn't heard anything, knowing he probably had. He would rather stake him and lose their only link to the mysterious commandos than endure even one of his snide remarks. He decided he would stake Spike after Buffy left. Right now taking out his guilt and shame on the vampire felt like an excellent idea.

Giles flinched as Buffy gently nuzzled his neck, her soft breath tickling his ear.

"I love you" he heard her whisper, barely audibly.

"Get your clothes on," he answered in a low monotone, "I'll drive you home."

xxx

Buffy paused outside her dorm room door to collect herself. She was not going to cry. She was going to go to bed, to the comfort of her pillow, and things would look better when she awoke. Or, if she were lucky, she wouldn't wake up again at all.

She reached for the doorknob, and noticed she had blood on her knuckles from when she had hit him. She had meant to knock him out, to beat him senseless, but she hadn't been able to muster the force to do so. Also, they had still been in his crappy little car, and there wasn't exactly room in there for a proper wind up. He hadn't even tried to block her punch. Then he just sat there, letting his nose bleed, expecting to be hit again, looking miserable, knowing he deserved it. Bastard. But she hadn't hit him again. Instead she ran away.

She quickly wiped the blood off on her shirt. She didn't want any part of him touching her.

Buffy opened the door slowly and slid inside the still dimmed room, being careful not to wake Willow. She had barely begun to creep towards her bed, however, when a sleepy voice came from Willow's bed, "Hi Buffy."

Buffy nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Oh! I thought you were asleep," she said guiltily.

Willow sat up and flicked on her nightlight.

"I was waiting up," she said, yawning. "Or trying to. What time is it?"

"You shouldn't've waited."

Willow merely shrugged, and gazed at Buffy with her observant eyes. Her friend seemed horribly fidgety. "How'd things go with Giles? Are you two okay?" she asked tentatively.

"Yeah," Buffy tried to lie lightly, but she quailed under her friend's stare. "I guess… I-I dunno," she lowered her head.

"What happened?" Willow asked gently.

Buffy sat down on the edge of her own bed, facing Willow, but couldn't bring herself to meet her friend's painfully sensitive gaze. "W-we… we kind of fought," she choked out. "He wants to leave."

"What?" Willow sat straight up in bed, dismayed. "No, no… he's-he's just saying that. He's being all British and-and repressed, thinking he has to not feel anything. But Giles would never leave you, Buffy, you're everything to him."

For a moment, Buffy seemed to agree with her, nodding, her mouth stretched in a thin, tight smile. Then her face crumpled and she broke down into tears.

Willow scrambled out of bed and to her friend's side. "Oh… oh no. Don't cry, Buffy," she said soothingly, putting a comforting arm around her friend, "It's okay. It'll be okay."

Buffy shook her head and continued to cry, "I messed up, Willow. I really messed us up. Giles a-and me, w-we… we –" She couldn't finish.

"You what?" Willow searched her friend's face for an answer, but Buffy couldn't bring herself to look at her. Then Willow understood. "Oh! Oh… you didn't… you did?"

Buffy nodded once.

Willow's eyes grew even wider than they already were. "Oh… oh, golly… Was it… bad?" she asked, searching for a reason for Buffy's distress.

To her surprise, Buffy laughed, but joylessly. "No. It was great. Birds-singing, bells-ringing wonderful. But oh, God," she was crying again, "it's so wrong. Everything is so wrong."

"You think it's wrong?" Willow was confused.

"He says it was a mistake," Buffy choked out.

"What?" Willow couldn't believe it. That Giles of all people could be so mean. "That's baloney! His words were, and I quote, 'God, yes!' And he's blaming you?"

"No. No he's not." Buffy shook her head adamantly. "He says it's his fault; he says can't be-be near me and not want to…"

"That's why he's leaving?"

Buffy nodded.

"But… why? I mean, if-if you want to too?"

Buffy almost laughed again. Since when had what she wanted mattered? "Because he was my Watcher and teacher, and he's too old…"

"But that's stupid!" Willow refused to accept it. In a world with vampires and werewolves, where gruesome death lurked in every shadow, what did any of those things really matter when love was involved? "He's just being an idiot. Just because he's Giles doesn't mean he's always right!"

"But he is," Buffy said in a defeated tone. "Think Will, what kind of couple would we be? Where would we go on dates? To the Bronze? Out for drinks? Home for dinner with my mom? Oh, God…" Buffy broke down again, and she fell, weeping into her friend's lap.

Willow could only look upon her helplessly as she shook with sobs. When she spoke, it was with a tone of desperation, "But… you love each other."

"No, I hate him," Buffy sobbed. "God, I hate him…"

The End


End file.
